Sometimes the pieces I publish on Life Meets Work get re-run in a print publication. And sometimes those print pieces generate an email or two.
Like when this article on Finances for Stay At Home Parents ran, I got this email:
Your article “Stay at home parents lose out on retirement” sure did blast the wonderful tradition of raising one’s own children. My daughter is a stay-at-home Mom and wouldn’t trade the companionship, the joy, the smiles of her children for all the 401K money in the world.
Why not just decide not to have children if money is so important. Babies at 6 weeks old are left in the care of strangers who cannot humanly love and care for the child as well as a parent. Would you hire a substitute to meet your husband’s needs? Could she do so as well as you?
While the numbers in your article are correct the humanity is absent.
I wrote back:
I certainly don’t debate your perspective. I was merely trying to point out a little discussed reality of becoming a stay at home parent. Especially considering our high divorce rate, I think it’s important that women understand the financial disadvantages. Better to make the decision well informed than to be surprised later on.
To which she replied:
The “reality” is what is good for the child, who doesn’t care what kind of house you live in or what car you drive. He just wants Mommy or Daddy.
To which I think to myself….Arggh! Sanctimonious ever? Why do parents do this to each other? Sometimes it seems that criticizing how other people raise their kids is the great national past-time (see Jon & Kate, Toddlers in Tiaras, Nanny 911, Worlds Strictest Parents, etc.).
Today’s Juggle talks about working with kids, the financial break evens, and fulfillment.
Here’s another example of the Mommy Wars, this time perpetuated by a grandmother who insinuates that working mothers are selfish and have their prioirities backwards.
Unfortunately, since the inflationary 1970’s, a dual income household has become the only way for many American families to stay afloat. And, like it or not, choosing to stay at home to raise your children comes at a cost.
Jaime, you were right to point out one aspect of this cost of which many people are not aware. I certainly didn’t think about it during the 2.5 yrs I stayed at home raising my children.
And, I must challenge your reader’s notion that a non-parent caregiver is a “substitute” for the parents themselves. I see it differently.
From the time my first son was born, I have felt strongly that my children learn from, be nurtured and influenced by lots of adults. I want my children to see the world as a place with many traditions, cultures, perspectives and styles, so that as they figure out who they are, the world feels inclusive; and as they face the pressures and choices of young adulthood, they know they can seek counsel not just from us, but from coaches, teachers, clergy, neighbors, family friends, etc.
To view our role as parents as that of “protector” from people who are different or who act as “substitutes” and stand-ins for the “real” parents, is to limit our children’s capacity to grab the world by the tail and figure out how to tame it for themselves.
Your article speaks about losing social security benefits because of years out of the workforce. So perhaps our social security system should build in some sort of credit for people who leave the work place to take care of children. (Or caring for aging relatives, you get the idea.) Maybe such a credit exists, but if it does, I doubt that it is adequate, given the disparity you cited between social security benefits paid to men and women.
The person who emailed you mentioned 6-week-old babies being sent to day care. My guess is that this happens at the end of a 6-week maternity leave. So if we have longer parental leaves, this wouldn’t happen as often. So again, another problem to solve.
As far as the question “Why Even Have Kids if You’re Not Going to Raise Them?” is concerned, I think it is funny how people always pose that question to working mothers but not working fathers.
Thanks for your article. It’s important and informative. Forget the nasty email, you did a service to women (humanity!).
I am so thankful that my mother had a good career because my father died when I was 10 (and my sister 13), and she was able to support us without leaving our house, our town, and our friends.
Besides the divorce rate, there’s also death, unemployment (for the working spouse), and the many benefits of having 2 working parents. I think it’s important to have career goals and work hard for them, and that’s something I want to teach my kids.
Nora,
Thanks! I appreciate your comments and your added insight.
- Jaime